I just moved all my stuff into my new place!
YESSSS!!! It's unorganized, a bit empty yet and lonely.
But once it's all unpacked it will feel like home.
I can have cats so that will be less lonely, plus my bf lives just down the street.
This is what I wanted. It's a small place, but nice.
Can't wait to decorate. yeeehaw.
"I wanna be a millionaire,
so fuckin' bad."
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Growing up means growin apart. GET USED TO IT
Dear Blogger,
I hate growing up. It's all I've wanted and now I dispise it. I thouroughly enjoy the freedom and being able to help others grow, but I entierely miss my past. There are things I wish I had done better, and things I wish I never did. I've done a lot of, wait- I've made a lot of avoidable mistakes and I know I've learned from them but sometimes I still can't help but be upset about it. I've said lots of nasty things to a lot of people just because of my own anger. I've avoided making friends with people because of my own self-caunciousness and it upsets me. I am mad at myself for being like that, but I also have to think on the bright side. I'be met amazing people and still have amazing people in my life.
Like I've said in earlier posts my mum is my number one. We have this connection and she's like my best friend. I always want to make her proud, and when I "fuck up" I hurt because I hurt her. She has taught me wonderful morals and made me a heppy, bright young lady.
My number two's would be dad, brother, and sister. My dad and I have had some serious difference's but I am proud of him for taking me under his wing and caring for me as I am his. He will always be there for me. My brother and sister, oh, I love them sweetly. They look up to me so much and care about me more than I probably know. I wish we were closer in age, and they would do more for mum and dad. I understand that they are young, but maybe since I was so much older it was just a given in me to take care of each of them. I don't regret it. I appreciate the way I was raised, for the most part.
The third most absolute important person to me is Biker. I love him dearly. I want to forever. I want nothing to bring us apart, EVER!
There were certain things in my upbringing that still kind of affect me. Things like when mum and dad would call me fat and say mean things about how I am going nowhere.
Many of those rude comments I used to better myself. I used them to prove I was better and I could do well, but after hearing them for so long I started to believe. After my parents broke up I offically "broke free." I became a careless person. I did and said horrible things to my mum and even hurt my dad. I got into cocaine, frequently used and completely stopped eating and when I did I threw it up. I didn't see it bad and I wouldn't necessarily call myself anorexic or bulimic. I think it was the anxiety and stress that upset my stomache, as i've realized now. When I am really upset my stomach gets "topsy-turvy" and upset. Anytime my heart begins racing I start to feel really warm and sick. I think that's the stress and ainxiety. Back to before, it was weird, because I worked my butt off mowing lawns al summer. Which, may I mention, is a fun but hard job. But, it was weird because even for not eating, my main diet was an apple and water, maybe what ma cooked, but if I ate it usually never stayed down, but anyways. Back to what I was tryin to get at, after all that, I never managed to get slim. I got to 150 and that was all. I was not slim. Just, like, didn`t matter what size I was I was always criticized for how much I ate or this and that. I`m embarrased to eat in front of people and when I do I make jokes about how fat I`ll get after eating. It`s easier just to be the one to say it than to have been told how fat and disgusting I look!!!
I do, however, want to get in shape. I know I can be and I enjoy doing th outdoor activities that I used to partake in. I suppose my parents were right when saying your friends will chnge and things will get different and growing up isn`t the bst thing.
Ugghhh I always ramble,
but I guess this is what a blog is meant for =)
Later gatorss
I hate growing up. It's all I've wanted and now I dispise it. I thouroughly enjoy the freedom and being able to help others grow, but I entierely miss my past. There are things I wish I had done better, and things I wish I never did. I've done a lot of, wait- I've made a lot of avoidable mistakes and I know I've learned from them but sometimes I still can't help but be upset about it. I've said lots of nasty things to a lot of people just because of my own anger. I've avoided making friends with people because of my own self-caunciousness and it upsets me. I am mad at myself for being like that, but I also have to think on the bright side. I'be met amazing people and still have amazing people in my life.
Like I've said in earlier posts my mum is my number one. We have this connection and she's like my best friend. I always want to make her proud, and when I "fuck up" I hurt because I hurt her. She has taught me wonderful morals and made me a heppy, bright young lady.
My number two's would be dad, brother, and sister. My dad and I have had some serious difference's but I am proud of him for taking me under his wing and caring for me as I am his. He will always be there for me. My brother and sister, oh, I love them sweetly. They look up to me so much and care about me more than I probably know. I wish we were closer in age, and they would do more for mum and dad. I understand that they are young, but maybe since I was so much older it was just a given in me to take care of each of them. I don't regret it. I appreciate the way I was raised, for the most part.
The third most absolute important person to me is Biker. I love him dearly. I want to forever. I want nothing to bring us apart, EVER!
There were certain things in my upbringing that still kind of affect me. Things like when mum and dad would call me fat and say mean things about how I am going nowhere.
Many of those rude comments I used to better myself. I used them to prove I was better and I could do well, but after hearing them for so long I started to believe. After my parents broke up I offically "broke free." I became a careless person. I did and said horrible things to my mum and even hurt my dad. I got into cocaine, frequently used and completely stopped eating and when I did I threw it up. I didn't see it bad and I wouldn't necessarily call myself anorexic or bulimic. I think it was the anxiety and stress that upset my stomache, as i've realized now. When I am really upset my stomach gets "topsy-turvy" and upset. Anytime my heart begins racing I start to feel really warm and sick. I think that's the stress and ainxiety. Back to before, it was weird, because I worked my butt off mowing lawns al summer. Which, may I mention, is a fun but hard job. But, it was weird because even for not eating, my main diet was an apple and water, maybe what ma cooked, but if I ate it usually never stayed down, but anyways. Back to what I was tryin to get at, after all that, I never managed to get slim. I got to 150 and that was all. I was not slim. Just, like, didn`t matter what size I was I was always criticized for how much I ate or this and that. I`m embarrased to eat in front of people and when I do I make jokes about how fat I`ll get after eating. It`s easier just to be the one to say it than to have been told how fat and disgusting I look!!!
I do, however, want to get in shape. I know I can be and I enjoy doing th outdoor activities that I used to partake in. I suppose my parents were right when saying your friends will chnge and things will get different and growing up isn`t the bst thing.
Ugghhh I always ramble,
but I guess this is what a blog is meant for =)
Later gatorss
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